Mothergood

i am broken in two so sad for this world and each step you go through. my heart sits in the pit of my stomach, churning restricted oxygenation, threatening tears burning

they don't deserve souls like yours they can't begin to understand mistakes you'll make, but minds like yours stand tall, take it in, learn, experience to expand.

i know our journey has barely begun yet i fear i don't have the grit needed to help us navigate, i'm tired and defeated by my own experiences unchecked egos, in pain, incinerating everything in their wake, desecrate.

i've been training all my life for depth and meaning, cultivating skills found deeply embedded in the tectonic planes, but i fall short, i miscalculated, such unpredictably shallow terrain.

i lack the competence of how to pilot the surface to hold your hand through this forsaken climb. i am so so sorry for failing you, i have no clue what to do, but i promise i won't stop, not ever, growth in endless refine.

@mothergood

#poetry #tween #thisagesucks

#Poetry

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Liar Liar, Autonomy set fire to the relationship I’ve tried to cultivate with you. Pain in my soul, Where did you go?

My magical little girl, innocent, pure-hearted, and sweet Too quickly, qualities replaced by manipulation, lies, and deceit.

Who are you?

Do you even know? Don't you see, up ahead, the impending undertow?

Please, I'm begging you Stop! Think, Weigh your options before you go.

Starts with one poor choice, leading to another, There are so many better ways to find yourself, rediscover.

This isn't you, or could it be? Never have been more uncertain watching your unrelenting extraversion pushing, going, never stopping desires and values, tight-rope walking

Child, Child, The reason for hope The air that I breathe.

Where have you been hiding? fickle natured, presiding. Once known for the kindest and purest of hearts, ancient, sovereign goddess, trapped, so much wisdom to impart.

#tweens #eldest

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#Ramblings Today, you are three, So much life in such little time growth no longer feels cyclical, preserved innocence, benign. As the third of the bunch movement is constantly unfolding, Feeling sorrow for the missed carpet playtime, stories, and playdough molding. It’s so fast and yet unbearably slow. Painful duality of motherhood: Grow, but don’t go. Need me, but not so much please be somewhat independent the only experience so grounding while being transcendent.

#motherhood #mothergood #thisisthree #unspokenstruggles

©mothergood

Academic Journey from Hell

Dissertation disasters and #momzilience

Draft – somewhere in some chapter

i’m missing the suspension spring,  or maybe my gear train is worn out i gotta be made with some missing essential element cuz the absolute truth of the matter is fuck this bs “mom life” shit while fully fucking present and aware of the backlash of what an ungrateful undeserving asshole i am to even think such a thought and write such a thing, (shame on me, i know)  here i am 👋 and ya i wrote it cuz if you must know  …. i’m toasted burnttt-the-effffff-out   you fucking judgmental, eye-rolling, holier-than-thou prick

i despise homemaking i can’t stand cooking and dish cleaning, i hate the monotony of dishes that seem to never end (like seriously, why do you need a new effing cup every time)  and laundry fuckkkkkk laundry and stupid hidden #tissuetreasureconfetti washing, folding, organizing…. again and again and again and again and again  for 5 fucking people …. weekly (bedding’s and towels included) 

I hate checking homework, school is stupid i hate pretending i have the patience to listen to choppy incomprehensible half ass reading (like if i have to show up, aren't you suppose to fucking show up too! )  i hate arguing over incorrect math (you are not going to change the system, there is no room here for “thinking” regurgitate the lessons do it right, play the game, and move on) 

i despise grocery shopping and feeding everyone, every day, all day.  i hate being the family vitamin/supplement police,  or the bedtime officer or the appointed boundary holder (cause real talk, i don't give a fuck) i hate making them floss when they eat fucking popcorn and the damn kernels that continuously appear hidden in my shaggy carpet months later.  i hate picking rice up from the floor on my hands and knees cause the coordination of placing a spoon in one's mouth is just too fucking hard (and no, not all of them they are not toddlers)

i hate sticky-finger smudges i hate sitting in a pile of urine cause my son was too fucking distracted (and probably lazy) to lift the damn seat.  i hate cleaning shit and wiping asses … honestly, professional shit-changer was never supposed to make it on my resume... (completely over that one) i hate doing bath time …. every! fucking!  day!  it’s your body, was your damn shit!  i hate brushing unruly tangled hair, “cause like i decided to do cartwheels outside with my hair down in the muddy grass “ i hate cleaning boogers off my effing sofa (get a fucking tissue, for fuck sake) 

i hate the suffocation of guilt and panic when after doing all the shitty, menial daily tasks, i get asked to  sit and “hang out”  i hate it cause i always say yes  (conscious not to miss out on any moment; thanks again karen for always reminding me how fast it goes ) even though i need to say NO for my mental sanity.

i hate being the parent that “has to” (yes, i know – “gets to” 🙄 )  volunteer for each of their field trips so i can listen to the incessant sounds that come from a bus filled with multiple tiny, entitled a-holes.   i hate being the elected birthday co-ordinator, holding the primary responsibility not to drop the ball and making sure each person feels special for being born by hyper-extending myself into ridiculous grand gestures to prove my love... like seriously fuck that shit (i gave you my entire body, my mind, my soul, my sanity, my career, my freedom, my etc....)

most of all... i hate that i just want to play, teach you about good music, be present and not do all the fucking shit, and all i do is the fucking shit  and i don’t love any part of the fucking shit

****possible segment on how I work through this thinking/ experience (void of should/ shouldn'ts) ****

   

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#BookinProgress Between the Cracks of My Sanity: Reclaim yourself (Self-help guide to mom life)

@Mothergood